I’d like to begin this list by stating (what feels to me) the obvious: Hello, I am a Jew making a list of the best Christmas movies and their zodiac correlations. Perhaps you’d rather I made a “holiday” list, but Hanukah is since long over. Besides, let’s not act like fools, my friends. We all know that the end of December is SATURATED with Christmas culture and we might as well sit back and let it run over us like lumpy sweet egg milk.
Personally, as a culturally Jewish goddess worshipper, I’m just here for the normative nostalgia and the joy of watching other people be joyful. And, now that I’ve got you here—I might as well warn you—no sign is Love Actually. I had to take a stand somewhere, and Love Actually is Actually Trash.
Thank You and Happy Stars!
Photo: 20th Century Fox
Aries | Home Alone 2
The best of all the Home Alone movies, I watched this movie as a new immigrant to America, and it taught me all sort of things, like:
- With a credit card, a child is unlimited.
- Turtle doves are a symbol of true friendship??
- Be nice to bird ladies.
- Burglars are kind of codependent.
Home Alone 2 is the story of a young person left to their own devices, making impulsive decisions, and charming the heck out of grumpy strangers. That’s Aries culture.
Photo: 20th Century Fox
Taurus | Miracle On 34th Street
Taurus loves a courtroom drama, they just do. Maybe it’s the quest for TRUTH, maybe it’s the performance of a moral core for the sake of drama, maybe it’s their hunger for requital, it’s anyone’s guess. The only thing Taurus loves more than a courtroom drama is a courtroom drama mapped onto a genre that has nothing to do with the courtroom. See: Miracle on 34th Street. Here, Santa must PROVE he is Santa to a little girl named Doris (THE TAURUS), who will not budge from her firm beliefs for almost the whole movie. Once he changes her mind, they are best friends. Obviously. Also, re the ’90s version: Taurus doesn’t fuck with a remake. Obviously.
Photo: Wilson Webb/The Weinstein Company
Gemini | Carol
Listen, I have something to confess: I just don’t think Carol is that great of a movie. How DARE she? you might whisper into each other’s cuff-sporting ears, brushing away wisps of ombré-mullets from flannel-clad shoulders. I dare because a movie about a mommy complex directed by a man and starring two straight, thin, white actresses does not a Lesbian Miracle make. And, TBH, Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara don’t even have chemistry. If you think they have chemistry, I think maybe you were just really turned on by leather gloves. The gloves bring us to Gemini, who relish an emotionally confusing, visually stimulating, Christmas movie stocked with object signifiers they can spend the evening overthinking.
Photo: STX Entertainment
Cancer | A Bad Moms Christmas
A Bad Moms Christmas is an underrated Xmas movie, and I am here to sing its praises despite all the ways it pours into het-culture like gas from the nozzle. I came for Mila Kunis (who, like me, immigrated to America as a seven-year-old from Ukraine and so, you see, we are the same) and Kristen Bell—but Kathryn Hahn stole almost every scene. With only a little bit of homoerotic content and a lot of Susan Sarandon slutting it up, this movie has got everything you need to feel less alone in your own holiday alienation. Besides Cancer being the mom of the zodiac, this movie slides right into the classic Cancer groove between raunchy fun and groups of women crying about crying.
Photo: Warner Brothers Entertainment
Leo | Elf
Personally, I can’t stand Will Ferrell’s whole vibe, but I understand that this movie is a crowd favorite which is something I feel could be said about Leos in general. Not by me, mind you—no, no—I love Leos and have lots of Leo friends. On the real, there’s something about Elf’s singularity, its infectious commitment to joy that straddles the line between sardonic and earnest like only a giant elf straddling a line can, that makes the success of this movie undeniable. It is also what makes it a very, very, Leo movie.
Virgo | Nightmare Before Christmas
I just don’t know a Virgo of the ’90s who doesn’t love this movie or who, having seen it as a child, didn’t dress up as Sally or Jack for years after. Maybe it’s the conventional message wrapped up in a spooky unusual gift box—Virgos are prime examples of people that fly a freak flag all day and then relax into their Mister Rogers at-home cardigans. Maybe it’s the fact that half of the movie involves a disaffected androgynous king spending time studying why Christmas even IS—Virgos love puzzling over the behaviors of cultures they lightly abhor.
Libra | Pee-Wee’s Playhouse: Christmas Special
Pee-Wee’s Xmas special is a cult classic and should be mandatory watching for the Grace Jones and Cher scenes alone. But, inherently, this Christmas Special is all about friendship and the celebration of connections that foster creative collaboration. That is also what Libra is all about! Libra is also willing to forgive Paul Reubens all his past indiscretions because Libra knows that Hollywood just couldn’t stand a homo in the children’s entertainment industry. Libra believes in a gay man’s right to jerk off in an “adult” movie theater and collect bins of gay porn!
Photo: Warner Brothers Entertainment
Scorpio | Eyes Wide Shut
I wasn’t going to be so obvious as to assign Scorpio the Xmas sex movie, but here I am doing just that, and I can’t seem to stop myself. I think that, more than sex, Eyes Wide Shut is about secrets, repression, and release, and these themes are a Scorpio’s bread and butter. That, and the constant edge walk between life and death, ritual and transformation. There’s fantasy, jealousy, the exchange of masks, and a crucial distortion of reality that makes it hard to believe that this whole movie has been leading up to Christmas shopping with a child.
Sagittarius | A Christmas Story
A Christmas Story belongs to Sagittarius for the leg lamp alone, so uncanny is its subsequent presence as a signifier of tasteless Americana. Not that all Sagittarians are tasteless, au contraire, they just truly enjoy tastelessness as a coded practice. When you take that lamp, and mix in a sarcastic know-it-all kid in a bunny suit always putting his foot ..ahem his soap… in his mouth, you’ve got everything Sagittarius could ever need. Well, everything but the gun! You could shoot your eye out!
Photo: Mundy Lane Productions
Capricorn | The Preacher’s Wife
You thought I could write a list of Xmas movies without including The Preacher’s Wife but you were wrong. First of all, Whitney. That’s it. Second of all, Denzel as an angel in a gray suit and as a tree-topping figurine—nice. Third of all, this movie is all about moving past tradition and toward self-empowerment, away from how one ought to be and toward who one is as their highest most actualized self. That’s a Capricorn journey, a Saturn struggle. Plus, did I mention Whitney?
Screenshot via Youtube
Aquarius | The Yule Log
Hahaha. You thought you would watch a movie, but you came to their house, and it’s just this broadcast of a log burning for hours. The apartment is cold and the Yule log music is on mute because the Aquarius has decided to just loop Tori Amos songs instead. Don’t worry, though, the closed captioning will let you know when the fire is crackling. Wow. Good luck. Go home.
Photo: Universal Studios
Pisces | How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
I don’t know I just think this sort of lonesome, petty, curmudgeon fantasy film, marked by whimsical rhyme and perverse eyebrows, is high-key Pisces culture. The meanness is an act. Or, the niceness is an act. Or, all one needs is a tiny dog and the misfortune of others. And, listen, I know Jim Carrey is an Aquarius, but remember that time he showed up to an awards show all: “We take all those ideas and cobble them together and make sort of a personality charm bracelet, an ID bracelet we wear in life. But that’s not who we are, because we’re nothing. And it’s such a fucking relief.” That was Jim Carrey on Pisces vibes. That was the heart of the Grinch, which is only the idea of a heart, after all.