After arriving home last night from a delicious dinner at an off the beaten path Italian joint called The Olive Garden, I checked my Facebook and was confused to see so many status updates saying some variant of “OMG! I’m no longer a Capricorn? Um, you obviously don’t know me at all. Byeeeee!” I immediately Googled “change in horoscopes” and was shocked and horrified to find this—a soul-crushing news item  from The Washington Post that revealed, “The moon’s gravitational pull has slowly moved the Earth in its axis, creating about a one-month bump in the stars’ alignment.”  That means the new dates would be as follows:

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16

Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11

Pisces: March 11-April 18

Aries: April 18-May 13

Taurus: May 13-June 21

Gemini: June 21-July 20

Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10

Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16

Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30

Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23

Scorpio: Nov. 23-Dec. 17

Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20

This is devastating news. I, like many other misguided people, took great pride in my astrological sign (I’m a Virgo through and through, just like Beyoncé). The change in the stars’ alignment is undoubtedly going to create a worldwide identity crisis. After all, you can’t just ask people to blame their shortcomings and neuroses on something tangible. That would be unrealistic and strange. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

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